Looking back at my Facebook memories, I see a far too many medical updates, of which I don't reshare the majority, but last week, something popped up that really shook me.
Eight years ago, in the late summer of 2013 I started experiencing unrelenting rib pain, like nothing I'd ever felt before. The way I describe it is like a steel corset wrapped around me pulling and pushing at the same time. During the worst of it, my sternum feels like it might be crushed under the pressure. Tight, squeezing ALL the time.
At first, we went to the emergency room and then the hospital admitted me to run tests to make sure my heart was okay. It was, thankfully, but they never did pinpoint what was causing the constant, excruciating rib pain. It runs all the way around my back, right where my bra goes around my body. Even the iv pain medication barely quieted the on going torture.
The ER physician suggested more doctors.
During the next 3 years, I saw a neurologist, a pain management specialist, an endocrinologist (or 2), an acupuncturist, a physical therapist, a rheumatologist, and a freaking partridge in a pear tree.
It was RIDICULOUS, not just the pain, but the doctors. Once again, I was enduring the humiliation of being a guinea pig and hearing the most insane theories of what it “could be” but not what was causing it or HOW to get rid of it! What the heck?!
After putting my foot down to stop the expensive guessing game and deciding to focus on managing the pain since no one seemed to know what was causing it, I have finally reached the point where I am once again interested to get rid of it.
This seems like one of the last hurdles I have to overcome to begin to think about having a life outside of pain, this apartment, my bed, my home office. Most of you already know I have other health maladies that are a chronic battle, including a bionic neck, and for what it’s worth, I get through the migraines, the neck spasms, the back pain, and and and… but I’m making it through, I’m pushing through it ALL to make my life work.
BUT. A big giant BUT. I NEVER talk about the rib pain anymore unless I’m at my docs office because I just can’t.
It’s something that is always there. Always. When I talk to you, it's there.
When I laugh, it’s there.
When I sneeze, OH MY GOD is it THERE.
When I cry, well, that’s another story… but it’s ALWAYS there.
When I sit, stand, walk, work, watch tv, I breathe, it’s there. Imagine talking about that all the time. No thanks. Too busy dealing with it.
I can’t just NOT be me, so I just keep the best attitude I can and get by. I HAVE to be me, I can't just let this get the best of me anymore, not after all the hell I've endured.
After almost 9 years, I'm finding my social side again only to have to regroup and find my way back in a cyclic way. Never wanting to give in to whatever THIS is. I’m moving through but I’m still simply unable to move past. And that’s it, this should be about a memory from 8 years ago, not an essay about a medical milestone.
I’m so tired of living it, I'm tired of talking about it, and I know you all are tired of hearing about it. I just want it to go away just like when it started. One day that pain just showed up and the day before I was FINE. I want tomorrow to be that day. I want to wake up to the realization that the rib pain is just GONE without so much as a goodbye.
When that happens, I will bring it up again, because you will already know from the joyous celebration coming from this direction that I've gotten through the last of it and will FINALLY have my life back!
Eight YEARS! Could YOU do it? Could you for an hour, a day, a week live with unrelenting rip roaring pressure squeezing your ribcage like a vise grip? Never would I wish that on anyone. So why tell me I'm such a bad ass to deal with this ongoing hell only to never hear from you again? After years of friendship... you know who you are and you should be ashamed.
The struggle is more real than I could have ever anticipated. I haven't given up. I'm sad to say so many people HAVE dropped off because I've just not been able to keep up with life. It's their loss. There are way too many other things to be twisted up about these days. This is why I do not make promises I can't keep, because when YOU are the one making those promises and can't keep them, other people take that really seriously. And on the other hand when THEY don't keep their promises and you call them out on it, suddenly, you're the one being melodramatic.
So, if you drop off, then see ya later. I'm not chasing after you because I can't run and honestly, you don't deserve any effort on my part.
When that happens, I will bring it up again, because you will already know from the joyous celebration coming from this direction that I've gotten through the last of it and will FINALLY have my life back!
Eight YEARS! Could YOU do it? Could you for an hour, a day, a week live with unrelenting rip roaring pressure squeezing your ribcage like a vise grip? Never would I wish that on anyone. So why tell me I'm such a bad ass to deal with this ongoing hell only to never hear from you again? After years of friendship... you know who you are and you should be ashamed.
The struggle is more real than I could have ever anticipated. I haven't given up. I'm sad to say so many people HAVE dropped off because I've just not been able to keep up with life. It's their loss. There are way too many other things to be twisted up about these days. This is why I do not make promises I can't keep, because when YOU are the one making those promises and can't keep them, other people take that really seriously. And on the other hand when THEY don't keep their promises and you call them out on it, suddenly, you're the one being melodramatic.
So, if you drop off, then see ya later. I'm not chasing after you because I can't run and honestly, you don't deserve any effort on my part.
We never grow tired of hearing you talk about anything! It's better to talk about it then keep it in and let it build up. We love ya and are here for ya! WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
ReplyDeleteI wonder WHO this could be? Reeeeeeeeeeeeeeally... I would never guess! EEEEEEE! lol! Thank ya, thank ya!
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