As you no doubt have noticed, I have been a little on the quiet side lately.
Many of you know I have suffered from numerous issues with my neck and spine over the years. In fact, I had major neck surgery – a double cervical fusion – about nine years ago, as well numerous procedures on my lower back. Unfortunately, those issues have flared up again in recent months.
I’ve been experiencing increased muscle spasms in my neck, with pain, tingling and numbness shooting down both arms and into my fingers. (My right arm has also been swelling up like a balloon, which makes typing a real picnic!) To make matters worse, my lower back has also started hurting, with pain shooting down my leg, after being relatively calm for a few years.
After a visit to the doctor last week, the bottom line is I’m going to have to have some tests to find out what all exactly is going on and what can be done about it. I’ll have an MRI done on my neck and back sometime next week, as well as an electromyogram (EMG) that will measure the electrical activity of muscles at rest and during contraction. Nerve conduction studies measure how well and how fast the nerves can send electrical signals.
Nerves control the muscles in the body with electrical signals called impulses. These impulses make the muscles react in specific ways. Nerve and muscle problems cause the muscles to react in abnormal ways. Because both of my arms and one of my legs have pain and numbness, these tests will help find out how badly my nerves have been affected and/or damaged. They will also check how well my spinal cord, nerve roots, and the muscles that control my leg and arms are working. And we’ll see what happens after that. The goal is to determine the cause instead of just muddling through the pain with minimal effect. It will be stressful, but my worst fears lay in my anticipation.
There are degrees of pain and I can tolerate quite a bit. But this has been unrelenting and only seems to be getting worse instead of backing off. It is INCREDIBLY frustrating, as even though I pushed forward with endeavors in the kitchen last weekend, they were simply a distraction. Still, even though it hurt, I did it anyway as the idea was, instead of just hurting because that's how it always is, I was going to HURT FOR A PURPOSE. So after that, sitting on the couch with my heating pad, I KNEW I had accomplished something, (even though Merle was just a bit ticked about me cutting up the sweet potatoes for the oven fries.) It felt WORTH IT! Heck! It was so yummy, it was worth it - but yowza, how I "paid" for it!
I've wanted to write a blog about all of this because it is an ongoing battle. Your support and encouragement mean more to me than I can express. I really want to share more because through sharing, I've realized there is a part of me that feels better, and sometimes it helps push me through the mental lows when dealing with the constant pain. My hope is to create an atmosphere in my blog where I can share, and through my sharing, there is understanding, not just for others, but for me. I still need to understand so much about my situation. By sharing, I will have to confront my pain and address what is occurring because of it. Often, I try to just ignore it all and hope it will go away. Well, it's not going away, darn it!
Yes, sometimes I do feel sorry for myself! There is so much I'm missing out on, and while I don't want to complain, some of what I write will be complaining. On the other hand, I find joy in the smallest, simplest things. Those things I took for granted are celebrations for me now. Cooking for instance. I wasn't the best, but I had to stop. It hurt too much, so I taught Merle most everything I knew and he took over in the kitchen. This is only one of the life changes that many of our friends and family don't know about. I didn't share because some of the reactions I received early on, from the very people who should have supported me no matter what, instead made me feel embarrassed.
There are many other things I no longer do, not because I don't want to, but because I can't. Coming to terms with these things and so much more is overwhelming. Asking for help is a struggle, albeit the struggle is often with my selfish pride and stubborn determination.
Yet, by allowing others to dictate my feelings, I have done a disservice to those who WANT to help, as well as to myself. It’s only by sidestepping the dismissiveness that I’ve discovered by sharing, I have gotten stronger. I’ve realized support and encouragement are an enormous part of my motivation, my healing, my optimistic spirit.
I’ve known this, but haven’t followed through, which is a shame. Because if the reward is the love, support, and encouragement of others, then how can I not take a chance?
These are all topics that I want to write about and perhaps find more of myself in doing so. I will double my efforts to get my blog launched. I need my friends, and more than ever before, you all are my strength, my bridge across the canyon that I step to the edge of every so often.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Let me know you stopped by!
published june 8, 2011
Many of you know I have suffered from numerous issues with my neck and spine over the years. In fact, I had major neck surgery – a double cervical fusion – about nine years ago, as well numerous procedures on my lower back. Unfortunately, those issues have flared up again in recent months.
I’ve been experiencing increased muscle spasms in my neck, with pain, tingling and numbness shooting down both arms and into my fingers. (My right arm has also been swelling up like a balloon, which makes typing a real picnic!) To make matters worse, my lower back has also started hurting, with pain shooting down my leg, after being relatively calm for a few years.
After a visit to the doctor last week, the bottom line is I’m going to have to have some tests to find out what all exactly is going on and what can be done about it. I’ll have an MRI done on my neck and back sometime next week, as well as an electromyogram (EMG) that will measure the electrical activity of muscles at rest and during contraction. Nerve conduction studies measure how well and how fast the nerves can send electrical signals.
Nerves control the muscles in the body with electrical signals called impulses. These impulses make the muscles react in specific ways. Nerve and muscle problems cause the muscles to react in abnormal ways. Because both of my arms and one of my legs have pain and numbness, these tests will help find out how badly my nerves have been affected and/or damaged. They will also check how well my spinal cord, nerve roots, and the muscles that control my leg and arms are working. And we’ll see what happens after that. The goal is to determine the cause instead of just muddling through the pain with minimal effect. It will be stressful, but my worst fears lay in my anticipation.
There are degrees of pain and I can tolerate quite a bit. But this has been unrelenting and only seems to be getting worse instead of backing off. It is INCREDIBLY frustrating, as even though I pushed forward with endeavors in the kitchen last weekend, they were simply a distraction. Still, even though it hurt, I did it anyway as the idea was, instead of just hurting because that's how it always is, I was going to HURT FOR A PURPOSE. So after that, sitting on the couch with my heating pad, I KNEW I had accomplished something, (even though Merle was just a bit ticked about me cutting up the sweet potatoes for the oven fries.) It felt WORTH IT! Heck! It was so yummy, it was worth it - but yowza, how I "paid" for it!
I've wanted to write a blog about all of this because it is an ongoing battle. Your support and encouragement mean more to me than I can express. I really want to share more because through sharing, I've realized there is a part of me that feels better, and sometimes it helps push me through the mental lows when dealing with the constant pain. My hope is to create an atmosphere in my blog where I can share, and through my sharing, there is understanding, not just for others, but for me. I still need to understand so much about my situation. By sharing, I will have to confront my pain and address what is occurring because of it. Often, I try to just ignore it all and hope it will go away. Well, it's not going away, darn it!
Yes, sometimes I do feel sorry for myself! There is so much I'm missing out on, and while I don't want to complain, some of what I write will be complaining. On the other hand, I find joy in the smallest, simplest things. Those things I took for granted are celebrations for me now. Cooking for instance. I wasn't the best, but I had to stop. It hurt too much, so I taught Merle most everything I knew and he took over in the kitchen. This is only one of the life changes that many of our friends and family don't know about. I didn't share because some of the reactions I received early on, from the very people who should have supported me no matter what, instead made me feel embarrassed.
There are many other things I no longer do, not because I don't want to, but because I can't. Coming to terms with these things and so much more is overwhelming. Asking for help is a struggle, albeit the struggle is often with my selfish pride and stubborn determination.
Yet, by allowing others to dictate my feelings, I have done a disservice to those who WANT to help, as well as to myself. It’s only by sidestepping the dismissiveness that I’ve discovered by sharing, I have gotten stronger. I’ve realized support and encouragement are an enormous part of my motivation, my healing, my optimistic spirit.
I’ve known this, but haven’t followed through, which is a shame. Because if the reward is the love, support, and encouragement of others, then how can I not take a chance?
These are all topics that I want to write about and perhaps find more of myself in doing so. I will double my efforts to get my blog launched. I need my friends, and more than ever before, you all are my strength, my bridge across the canyon that I step to the edge of every so often.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Let me know you stopped by!
published june 8, 2011
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